Forgiving the unforgivable may require that we reframe the meaning of forgiveness:

The other day I was watching a talk show on forgiveness, and their psychology expert seemed to dance around this idea of the need to forgive, doing her best, I know, to explain how forgiveness is so good for the forgiver. Then the guests, who had been working on forgiveness for what were unspeakably painful acts done unto them, were asked by the host if the advice was helpful. They looked a little blank, or shortchanged, or unmoved by her words. I understand. For some offenses, forgiveness doesn’t feel appropriate.  Some hurts feel, well, unforgivable, and the word “forgiveness” just doesn’t sit well.

Perhaps in some cases, the word “forgiveness” must be reframed to make it palatable and meaningful.  We need to do this, because it’s necessary to forgive in order to have a free flowing and abundant life.  Take a breath on that one.  Where there is a need for release and forgiveness, there is a blocked channel.  An energy drain.  To do needed forgiveness work is to regain the freedom and power that is always there inside you but can be squashed if not given enough space.  As a descendant of Holocaust survivors, as a person who was given a perfect example of unforgivable-an exception to the rule that we must forgive everyone, I have been interested in this idea for some time, and to be quite honest, I too have been left cold by the forgiveness talk. What exactly is “forgiveness work”?  And how will it help again?  More on that in a moment- I promise.

Can you hate and hurt with impunity if what was done was unforgivable?  At times it seems reasonable to hate your cruel abuser.  Hate the father or spouse who abandoned you?  Hate the man who killed your loved ones?  Hate the Nazis?  Sure, why not.  I don’t know, but what I do know is that to hold onto a resentment is to remain tied and bound to that person.  YOU are bound to THEM, not the other way around.  You carry them around with you. You shackle yourself to them with your pain and anger.  And an average sized adult is pretty heavy to drag around with you. Talk about heavy baggage.  So I offer a translation: what if “I forgive you” means “I am freeing myself from you”. Take a breath on that one.  For you to be free, you must set them free.  And they might not even be sorry.  They might not be thinking about you at all.

And what if they are not even sorry?

Trying to get free but feel you can’t move on until you get your repair? Your proper apology? I like to think of this process as forgiving a debt that you believe is owed to you. If you forgive the debt, you are saying,  “You are released from this, but more importantly, I am no longer obligated to carry around this fear, anger, or grief.  By releasing you of the duty to fix what was done, I release myself from having to remember it all the time-Because I’m not waiting for it anymore.”  This is the path to freedom through forgiveness.

Another person can’t free you by apologizing to you. You free YOURSELF by forgiving them. As a therapist, one thing I hear a lot from my clients is, “I know I need to do some forgiveness work around this but HOW? What would that look like?  It really does seem to be a nebulous, hard to pin down concept for even the most psychologically savvy of folks.  It’s not so confounding when someone is apologizing to you for a minor offense, and their acknowledgement of their offense and their resulting regret makes you feel a bit better, so you say, “ I forgive you.”  Then you can feel that you have given them a gift, and the air feels a bit lighter. Maybe they even express thanks to you for your forgiveness. But what about when no one is coming close to apologizing, validating your experience, or taking responsibility in any way for their behavior that harmed you? Then what? Saying “I forgive you” into the air doesn’t really provide a person with much traction. Also, many people feel resistant to doing this because they feel they are robbing themselves of their experience of being harmed when they already feel invisible in their outrage and pain. So then this process can feel like further invalidation.

Acceptance:

In order to release something you must give up the need to change it. We might be holding onto the wish that they would give us repair and validation. But that is out of our control.  Forgiving in this way requires that we accept things exactly as they are-we simply accept them, and things, as they are right now.  This does not mean that you need to have lunch with them or even talk to them anymore.  But (now brace yourself for this and don’t get mad at me) you must accept that this person who hurt you, did what they did because of who they were or are and their particular set of life experiences.  This may include that they were damaged or mentally ill. Now don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t excuse their behavior one bit.  It is only to say, it was what it was and it cannot be changed.  That’s all.

Letting go can be hard:

Letting go through forgiveness carries its own challenges. Particularly if the person you must forgive was someone you once loved or were attached to.  As you come to accept things as they are, you might find you have some grieving to do.  You might grieve the loss of that person, and what you hoped they would be for you.  To release someone from a severe, “unforgivable” offense often is the last string holding us to that person. Perhaps we haven’t seen them in years.  Perhaps they are deceased.  You may find when all is said and done, that the anger and pain may have been all that was left of the relationship-the last string that was connecting you to that person.  In many cases, to forgive in this way means to let go.  And letting go can be painful.  In these cases, to forgive is to say, “Here is where we part ways.  From now on I won’t be carrying you around with me anymore.”  If you are forgiving someone you have had an attachment to, there may be grief accompanying this letting go process.  Other times we must grieve for ourselves.  We grieve for how we have suffered as a result of this person.  For what we gave and had taken for granted, for what we have lost, for what was taken, or for what we needed but never got.

Don’t Forget to Forgive Yourself

Also, sometimes we must forgive ourselves for not seeing the signs, for holding on when it was not healthy to do so, for decisions we might now regret.  Remember that you, too, did the best you could at the time.  If you are working on forgiving yourself for anything, may I suggest you get on that, and then as one of my favorite women, Edwene Gaines puts it, “Get off of it”.

So here it is as promised-the actual “forgiveness work”:

First you must validate your own experience.  Acknowledge that you have been harmed.  Allow yourself any needed moments with your feelings of grief, hurt, anger.  You may want to try writing a letter (not for sending) to that person, stating how they have hurt you, the damage it caused, and how you had hoped it would be different.  Then you may want to try writing a letter back to yourself from them. The perfect letter you would have wanted to receive acknowledging how they hurt you, validating your experience.  Be with whatever comes up. If needed, debrief afterwards with a trusted friend or therapist.

Now comes the tough part:

Say it with me now:

I am hurt by what you did. I wish things could have been different, but they were not.  I cannot change what happened.  If you could’ve done better, you would have.  As of now, you owe me nothing, and I owe you nothing. You are free and I am free.

Take a breath.

Now let go of it.

Repeat this as many times as it takes, maybe daily for a few weeks, until you believe it.  Repeat this until you can feel the lifting of weight off your shoulders.

Now you are free to return to putting more energy into growing your life.

Grow strong.  Know you are loved.

Be free.  Done.

By Jennifer Bergman, MA, LMFT

Jennifer Bergman is a psychotherapist in private practice in Los Angeles, where she works with individuals dealing with grief and loss, life transitions, trauma recovery, and anxiety.